I miss him.  God, I miss him.

I miss him. God, I miss him.

It has occurred to me to leave this post right there.

I know there are many parents with fractured hearts that will TOTALLY get it. Today I can’t stop crying.  I miss him so, so, much.  He is settling and having the chance of a life and a future and he nearly didn’t get that.  Many don’t.  Many are just left without support, at home, with parents desperately trying to help as best they can, 24/7.

It sometimes feels like there is an army of people supporting Peter; doing what I (like many others) was expected to manage on my own.  I am grateful.  Please understand that.  But it doesn’t stop the hurt.

Peter is great company and good fun to be with – others are getting to see him enjoy life and develop – I deserve to see that too, don’t I?

I wish those that accused me of WANTING HIM OUT OF AREA” could have just a little insight into what it is like to fight for something you don’t want to need.

I wish that those in schools and at the local authority that worked tirelessly to obstruct and interrupt the possibility of him having the support he needed in mainstream in Years 1-4, could see the work his English teacher showed me this week.  If only they could see how hard it is for him to manage ¼ of the work he was capable of before his brain collapsed with overwhelming stress and trauma relating to unmet need.

There is so much more I wish for.  Just some insight into the damage they have caused.  I wish they would feel sick to the stomach with the realisation of just how wrong they were.

I wish, God I wish, they could see the damage it has caused Lily.  I wish they could see her extreme emotional pain and the chronic anxiety it has left her with.  My robust happy little girl that never did a thing to hurt a soul, suffering hour on hour of anxiety attacks, panic attacks, flashbacks and just simply missing ‘the old Peter’.  With years of psychology support and a truly nurturing school, she is on the mend – it was so avoidable though.

There is more to grieve too.  I am returning to work (all things are relative – I am working
for free for 300 hours to regain my Registration as a Nurse) and whilst there I am meeting with people who knew me ‘before’.  People whose lives and careers have continued and who are enjoying the reward of specialist roles – just like the ones I used to have.  I doubt they have a hole in their dining room ceiling because fighting for the right to an education in this country, costs some of us, and when your child is unable to attend school (or doesn’t have one) you can’t work.  Like the rest of the house (and me, and Lily) it’s been neglected for years whilst the monumental battle for Peter’s survival has been fought.

But most of all I miss him and I miss seeing him enjoy life and that’s just not fair.

 

More about being forced to fight for things you don’t want to need: see here.

More about Peter’s need for inpatient psychiatric care at the age of 9: see here

 

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14 thoughts on “I miss him. God, I miss him.

  1. I’m sorry it’s all so impossibly hard. I’m a mum too, also gave up my career in teaching to look after my boy, who’s 13 now & currently in a psychiatric hospital. We did mainstream and we forced him to what we thought would be our magic answer – a special school, and we broke him. My youngest suffers terribly from anxiety too! And I miss my boy, I get that feeling. Just wanted to say you’re not alone. Xx

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  2. Thanks for such a personal and painful insight. I admire your bravery, to put that pain into words. We’re at Tribunal next week for refusal to issue. When I read journeys like yours I know I never must give up the fight. It terrifies me what can happen when school deny, like ours has, and children can take no more. The Peter that will return will hopefully be happy and feel his worth. As impossibly hard as this journey right now is, it will be better to have Peter back stronger and better able to manage…and hopefully some of the damage repaired. Sending big hugs. Xx x

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  3. You are an amazing mother so please don’t ever let those swinebags dump on you anymore. You have been to hell and back to ensure Peter gets the best education he can in the right environment for him. Nobody and I mean nobody can levy any criticism at you. You cry those tears out tears make you stronger. Peter is learning how to fly and Lily is blooming. You are a BRILLIANT mum and amazing friend who despite your own difficulties finds the time to help and support me and indeed others. When you see Peter smile you will forget the tears you shed. Big big hugs my friend. They may cause you to bend at times but they will never ever make you break. you are indomitable.

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  4. Your posts totally touch my heart and give me so much strength to keep on fighting this awful system that has also destroyed my son. We are at tribunal number 2 next month having exhausted various school placements that have failed to meet needs. For us residential wouldnt work he’s too anxious separating but we are fighting for a home based package of support that we know LA will try their hardest to deny. If only they could find some empathy for themselves xxxx stay strong Peter will come back smiling xxxx

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  5. I can’t begin to imagine what you must be going through. He’s lucky to have mum who will fight so hard for his best interests. Thanks for sharing this very personal and brave insight. #BlogCrush

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